In the Orthodox world, we talk a lot about bashert—your soulmate, the one Hashem meant for you. And when you find that person, it feels profound. Holy. Like something deep inside you is settling into place.

But something we don’t always talk about is that even when you’ve found your bashert, it’s still possible to feel distant. Emotionally. Spiritually. Day-to-day life—raising kids, juggling responsibilities, dealing with stress—can chip away at the connection you once felt so strongly.

I know this both professionally and personally. As a therapist who works with Orthodox couples, and as someone in the community myself, I’ve seen how quiet disconnection can creep into even the most committed marriages.

But disconnection isn’t the end. It’s a signal. A gentle (or sometimes not-so-gentle) nudge that something needs your attention. And with the right support, it’s absolutely possible to find your way back to each other.

Couple smiling while both holding a glass of wine

How Do You Know When You’re Spiritually and Emotionally Disconnected?

You might notice one or more of the following:

Your conversations feel shallow or tense. You’re still talking, sure—but not about anything that makes you feel closer. It’s logistics, schedules, what’s for dinner.
You’ve lost the sense of shared spiritual meaning. Maybe Shabbos feels more like a checklist than a sacred pause. Or maybe one of you is feeling spiritually inspired while the other seems checked out.
Jewish rituals have faded into the background. Things that once anchored your connection—lighting candles, making kiddush, singing zemiros—feel distant or mechanical now.
You feel like you’re doing your inner work alone. One of you might be going through a spiritual growth phase and longing for your partner to meet you there, but they’re just... not.
And here’s the big one: you’ve told yourself this is just the way it is now. That it’s too late or too complicated to fix. But I promise—it isn’t.

How Can a Jewish Therapist Help Couples Reconnect?

There’s comfort in sitting with someone who gets both your emotional world and your spiritual one. A therapist who understands the weight of the word shalom bayis. Who knows what it means to make challah with kavana or how mikvah nights can carry both excitement and anxiety. When I work with couples, we don’t just talk about emotions in isolation. We look at the whole picture.

We ground your healing in Torah values.

Whether we’re exploring ahava (love), kavod (respect), or chesed (kindness), there’s deep wisdom in our tradition about how to build connection. These aren’t abstract concepts—they show up in how you speak to each other, listen to each other, and show up for each other.

We bring mindfulness into the spiritual space.

Simple practices like eye contact, pausing before responding, or saying a bracha slowly together can create moments of emotional attunement and spiritual alignment.

We rediscover the rituals that once brought you close.

Whether it’s sitting down to a proper Shabbos meal again, davening together, or lighting candles with intention, these are all connection points waiting to be revived.

Husband staring at her wife while holding her hand

Steps to Rebuild Your Spiritual and Emotional Bond

Acknowledging the Disconnect

The first step is often the hardest: saying out loud that something feels off. Not to accuse or blame, but to open the door. Even something as simple as, “I miss feeling close to you,” can change the tone of a conversation.

Restoring Rituals You Once Loved

Was there a Friday night you both used to look forward to? A family minhag that always made you feel connected? Try bringing one small thing back—not perfectly, not with pressure, just with presence.

Learn How to Really Listen—And Be Heard.

This is one of the most common things I work on with couples. Because when someone feels dismissed or misunderstood, emotional walls go up fast. Compassionate listening isn’t something we’re always taught, but it can be learned. And once it clicks, everything shifts.

Create New Traditions That Reflect Who You Are Now.

Maybe you’ve both changed since you first met. That’s not a bad thing—it just means you need new ways to feel close. Try something new together. It can be spiritual (learning a sefer as a couple), simple (a no-phones Shabbos walk), or sweet (writing each other notes before bed). The point isn’t the ritual—it’s the intention behind it.

You're Not Alone in This

So many Orthodox couples go through this. But it can feel lonely when you’re the one living it. You might wonder if something’s wrong with you or your marriage—or if this is just how things are supposed to be.

They’re not.

Your bashert is still your bashert. Disconnection doesn’t mean you’ve grown apart forever. It just means it’s time to reconnect—with curiosity, compassion, and a little help.

If you’re ready to work on this together, I’m here. As a licensed therapist and someone who deeply understands the Orthodox Jewish experience, I help couples rediscover each other—not by changing who they are, but by helping them return to what matters most.

Reach out if you’re ready to talk. Let’s take the next step—together.